Tiny Turnabouts
by VickyVicarious
Summary: A collection of short, humorous fills for various prompts taken from the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme. Containing: unforgivable crimes, surprising romances, genitalia in a suit, gladiatorial deathmatches, a secret identity, a horrid curse, and most recently - a wedding.
1. Animal Magnetism

As I said in the summary, this is the place where I've decided to dump all my shorter fills for kink meme prompts - by "shorter" I mean less than 1,000 words or so. The kind of fills that are more snippets than self-contained stories.

Despite the nature of a kink meme, there will be **no smut**. Most probably all of these will be humorous, and romances, if there are any, will not be described in any lewd detail so have no fears about reading. If there is any need for a warning (of any kind), I'll add it above the ficlet. You can however expect consistent spoilers for at least the characters of all games, if not specific trial mentions.

So, without further ado, let's get this started!

* * *

**Prompt: **Klavier/Polly. As in the parrot.

**Animal Magnetism**

Klavier grinned charmingly, leaning forward on one hand. He looked like he was flirting at a bar rather than questioning a witness in a murder trial, and the sound of swooning women filled the audience.

"Your name, Fraulein?" he purred.

From the consultant's seat in the defense box, Phoenix Wright spoke up. "Oh, that won't work. You've got to use its name or it won't answer. You have to call it -"

"Polly!" Squawked the parrot suddenly, flapping its wings and ducking its head bashfully. Apollo stared, but as the bird began to peek up at the still-smiling prosecutor before quickly hiding its head under its - or rather _her_ wing again, he felt himself starting to blush on its behalf. He had plenty of experience being flustered by Klavier himself... as did most of the world when Klavier looked at them like _that_, but still, this was a bit much.

Klavier thought so too, judging by the way his smile hitched a bit before he resumed his questions. Throughout the whole process, the parrot at the stand was very cooperative. Perhaps a bit... too cooperative; by the time his cross-examination came around, Apollo had to take a deep breath to stifle his laughter before beginning his own enquiries.

Polly turned her head haughtily away (one eye cracked open and trained on Klavier), and did not answer, until Apollo finally took Phoenix's advice and prefaced every new statement with her name - and even then, the responses were short and blunt. It was a little frustrating to be treated so rudely, but the consternation on Klavier's face when Polly was released from the cross-examination only to flap straight to him and attempt to nibble his ears was definitely worth it.

"Er... Fraulein, please," Klavier hemmed, awkwardly trying to fend off the amorous avian's advances while still maintaining his trademark charm and courtesy, "I don't... um... Ah - your wing's getting in my eye -"

Apollo had never seen a more beautiful sight, and spent the next month telling Klavier that this was exactly why he always told him not to flirt with witnesses, and teasing him about his "animal magnetism". Once again, the slightly confused blush on Klavier's face was hilarious - smooth talker though the prosecutor was, having a _parrot_ fall for his charms was a little more than even he could handle, and he eventually agreed to tone it down.

The only downside to the whole affair was when Phoenix relayed the tale to Trucy, who promptly began to crack jokes about 'Klavier and Polly perching in a tree' while shooting meaningful glances at Apollo.

* * *

PS - it messed with the flow to add it, but my other option for Trucy-teasing was: "Polly want a Klavier?"

...Heh.


	2. Wpssh!

The prompt this time is a little violent. I filled it jokingly, in what I considered a slightly melodramatic, satirical manner, but someone else later came along and continued it in a more serious vein. If you're interested in that, you can find it on the meme. Here, it's just humor.

Still, I guess I'll throw in a warning for **violence**. Just in case.

...I can't believe how hard it is to type out the noise a whip makes.

* * *

**Prompt: **Edgeworth is kidnapped by someone who has a personal vendetta against him (author's choice!) and tortured mainly by whipping (other forms of physical abuse can be included too, but no rape/dismemberment please). Edgey is defiant at first but slowly starts to break down.

**W-pssh!**

With a loud _crack!_ the bullwhip whistled through the air to impact sharply against Miles Edgeworth's naked back for the 64th time that morning. Panting, arm aching, the villainous kidnapper who had been doing the whipping decided to take a break, and sat down on a nearby chair to gulp down a bottle of water.

"I don't understand," he complained between gulps. "How... how is this even possible?"

Edgeworth, though suspended shirtless from chains, despite having been kidnapped and whipped violently for days on end, merely smirked, and made a '_tsk_'ing sound between his teeth. "I lived with Franziska von Karma for years, from the time she received her first riding crop until the day she mastered the cat o' nine tails - and what's more, I was her competition for her father's attention." Shaking his head condescendingly from side to side, the prosecutor shrugged his completely uninjured shoulders. "I'd advise you to look at this logically and recognize you'll never break me. Now, if you would be so kind as to release me, I have paperwork to be getting to."


	3. Unforgivable

This is it for now. More will be on the way, but I always wait a month before reposting from the meme in order to retain some of the "anonymous" glitter.

The joke here is, of course, Edgeworth. Hopefully that is fairly obvious (and hopefully it requires no further explanation).

* * *

**Prompt: **Klavier gets a really bad sore throat the night before a big concert. He can't bring himself to cancel the concert, so the only option is to go on stage and *gasp!*..._lip-sing_.

I want to see how Klavier handles this.

Bonus if a vengeful Daryan is in the crowd and looking for a scandal.

**Unforgivable**

Everything had been arranged, as it must be. Klavier had been in agony; he couldn't even say two words without breaking into a terrible coughing fit. Every doctor he consulted had been quite firm in stating that his strep throat would simply not allow him to perform a concert.

But, of course, the show must go on... The Gavinners did not cancel. That was a rule set even deeper in stone than all of Klavier's perfectionist commands about performance quality – to cancel would be an unbearable affront to their fans' time and money, not to mention expectations. And, in the end, the concert had actually gone wonderfully. Klavier had practiced his lip-singing long into the night in preparation, determined that if he be forced to do such a thing, then he would at least do it _perfectly_. The fans hadn't noticed the difference (which, though it broke Klavier's heart a little, was the desired outcome) and overall the concert went off without a hitch.

That was, until a certain ex-band-member contacted the press. Daryan had somehow noticed the switch, and went public with it immediately, even presenting evidence in the form of a video showing the slightest time lapse between Klavier's movements and a single line in the three-hour show. Reporters swarmed Klavier's home, determined to discover the rock star's justifications for his actions... but they never did.

Klavier Gavin was gone. No one could find him, no matter how they searched. Broken-hearted, hating his fall from perfection and his betrayal of his fans, Klavier had simply vanished, as if into the wind.

The only thing he'd left behind was a six-word note, which sent the press into a tail-spin of wild speculations. Fans across the world cried that they forgave Klavier, that they understood he'd been forced by his ill health, that everything would be fine so long as he just came back to them - but to no avail. Klavier was gone, and all that remained of him was a single note, eternally depressing in its implications.

_Rock god Klavier Gavin chooses death._


	4. The Moment of Truth

I loved this prompt. It's set during Phoenix's first trial. Unfortunately, I mixed up some of my evidence (I said the final evidence was The Thinker instead of the passport), but it works better for dramatic purposes so I left it.

This one deserves a warning for **violence **(though it's mostly implied), with a bit of **language** as well.

* * *

**Prompt: **In another time, another place, trials are conducted via gladiatorial deathmatches.

**The Moment Of Truth**

"_Relax_, Phoenix, you'll do just fine. This really isn't that hard of a case at all, and I'll be at the bench supporting you," Mia assured her protege as she helped him strap on his armor. "And, remember - no matter how fierce they may seem, every prosecutor has a weak spot." She decided not to mention the legendary Von Karma just now.

Phoenix nodded, trembling a little and clearly experiencing that same terrifying _why-did-I-ever-want-to-do-this?_ panic of every first-timer. Mia smiled fondly. He'd change his tune once he experienced the true thrill of the kill.

"Now, what's left... oh yes! You can't go in there without your tie." Mia slipped the red fabric around Phoenix's shoulders, before tying it in place with practiced ease. Though she never wore a tie herself, she was still infinitely better than Phoenix was at avoiding getting it caught on the spikes of his armor or helmet.

This action was completed just in time, as the **BOOM** of the Judge's gavel rang out, signifying their turn to enter the courtroom. Defense attorneys always entered second. The gates in front of them creaked open ominously, the bailiffs operating them giving Phoenix pitying looks as he tried not to cower. Mia nearly snickered; they would be quite surprised at the outcome of this trial, she was sure. Even though Phoenix was up against the famed Rookie Killer, Prosecutor Payne (who had reigned almost undefeated once he'd recovered from the near-mortal wound she had inflicted on him in _her_ first trial). Phoenix had that special something a true lawyer needed, that ability to think in the moment, to object with unrelenting force, to press and press and unrelentingly press until he found the weak point in both the witnesses' testimony and the prosecutor's armor. Mia just knew it.

Also, he was damn lucky. That was a skill all its own, in a court like this.

So Mia wasn't terribly surprised when Phoenix managed to, in between parrys with Payne, unravel the truth behind the murder of his friend Larry's girlfriend. She wiped his sweat and gave him advice (both legal and martial) during the recesses and in-between witness testimonies, watching with pride as Phoenix's earlier fear all but vanished in his quest for the truth. And, in the final crucial moment, she reached into her bag of evidence and tossed him the clock just in time for him to smash it into his opponent with a battle roar of, "OBJECTION!"

Yes, though he may not look like much to others, and though he was still in need of guidance and training, Mia just knew Phoenix Wright was going to be the kind of lawyer that lived long enough to retire. That was why she had taken him in as her pupil in the end, not because of his relentless begging. And certainly not because he was just the right type of underdog to make the crowd scream in bloodthirsty glee and allow her to win _huge_ in the betting pool (though that certainly helped).

All his earlier fear was gone now, swept away in that oh-so-familiar exuberance one could only experience by fighting for their own and the defendant's lives - and _succeeding_. Pheonix towered over Payne's prone form, clock pointed threateningly down at the prosecutor's unmoving body; and though he was bloody and bruised, though his armor was dented and scratched and half-torn off in some places, though his tie had been completely ripped in two - he'd uncovered the truth, and that was all Mia needed to see to convince her she had chosen her successor wisely.

All she needed to hear came next: the pounding of the gavel, followed by those eternally sweet words: "NOT GUILTY!"


	5. Detachable

This prompt deserves a warning or two. I'm not entirely sure how to warn for it... but I suppose just saying **genitalia in a suit** should cover it fairly well.

I borrowed the title, and paraphrased/quoted a few lines from the song 'Detachable Penis' by the Butthole Surfers.

* * *

**Prompt: **I want Penix Wright, an anthropomorphic penis who practices law with the PW cast.

I can't be more serious.

**Detachable**

"So, um..." Maya asked, "how exactly did this start happening?"

Phoenix scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well, it's always been detachable. You know that - I mean, you found it lying around the office often enough. I've always kind of liked that, it made me feel unique."

With a huff, the Master of Kurain gestured down at the defense's bench. "Yeah, but when did it start _practicing law?_"

Phoenix sighed. "After I lost my badge, I went through a... tough time, at first. I was feeling pretty depressed. Spent a lot of time just sitting around drinking grape juice, you know."

Maya nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry I couldn't come help you. I was so worried, but they really needed me at Kurain."

Phoenix smiled at her. "You know I don't blame you. But, anyway, one night I woke up at two in the morning and it was gone. I looked everywhere for it, and I was getting pretty worried when I eventually found it in the office around lunchtime, studying my law-books."

A cheer rose up from the crowd in the gallery around them as the lawyer below made an excellent point that rendered the witness's faulty testimony obsolete. "Mr. Wright, astute as always," the Judge said fondly.

Phoenix sighed. "And then next thing I knew, I got a little blue suit in the mail, and it went off to court. I don't even know when it ordered the suit."

Even though the evidence was right before her, Maya still shook her head disbelievingly. "This is just so weird, though. I mean, it was weird when everyone bought Xin Eohp's act, but this is even weirder."

"I try to think of it positively," Phoenix said. "At least a part of me is still involved in practicing law. I mean, sure, going to the bathroom is kind of annoying when it's out investigating or in the court, and I admit going without it for too long makes me feel like less of a man somehow, but it's not too bad. It's kind of nice to be able to hear people talking about the defense lawyer, 'Mr. Wright' again."

Maya nodded thoughtfully. "I guess that's true. But - doesn't it bother you a little? I mean, the way everyone is so..."

She was cut off by another loud cheer from the crowd, and the familiar sound of the Judge's gavel. "Well! Irrefutable evidence, as always. Undeniable logic! All the witnesses' lies unraveled and the truth clearly revealed! I feel almost unnecessary when you're in the courtroom!"

The prosecutor attempted a feeble, "Objection!" but the Judge drowned him out with another bang of his gavel.

"No further deliberation is necessary. With Penix Wright as the defense lawyer, why would it be? The defendant is NOT GUILTY!"

"...Yeah," Phoenix admitted quietly, having to whisper into Maya's ear in order to be heard over the jubilant crowd. "That's the only real downside - everyone loves my penis way more than me."


	6. Parting Ways

This was another quick joke fill. Much to my regret, not only did it offend the requester, but it sparked off a bit of a debate from people either defending my right to post a joke fill, or people defending the requester's right to want a serious fill. I didn't mean to cause any trouble, honestly, and I felt pretty bad for the requester (...even if his or her phrasing was a tad rude). That said, I still wrote it and some people seemed to enjoy it, so I'm going ahead and posting it in here anyway like a remorseless reprobate.

* * *

**Prompt: **Any major character is lying on their death-bed. Everyone that he/she knows gathers around the bed, and he/she tells each of them how they changed his/her life.

Bonus points for last-minute confession of love.

**Parting Ways**

"Miles Edgeworth, you shot me in the shoulder, were a pain in the ass during puberty, and then I didn't even get to convict you of your father's murder. I hate you.

"Phoenix Wright, come closer so I can taze you again. And again, and again, until you've stopped twitching. You sent me to prison and _ruined my perfect record_. I HATE you.

"Gant - it's time we parted ways. I'll miss you and those late-night swimming sessions. It never was the same after you invited the Judge along. I - oh, there's no point in hiding it now - I love you, Gant. _Kiss me_."


	7. Secret Identity

I don't know how I forgot about writing this... I'm actually very fond of it, so. Here you go. No warnings or spoilers this time.

* * *

**Prompt:** I don't care how anons, just give me someone transforming into their alter ego.

**Secret Identity**

Miles Edgeworth was a prosecutor, through and through. He held the truth above all else, with justice a close second. Proper procedure was also very important, as were the laws that separated the villainous from the good. Edgeworth believed in the law. Edgeworth would never tolerate anyone flagrantly disrespecting the law in any fashion, vigilantism being a prime example, and the full-size replica costume hanging in his closet was nothing more than a die-hard fan's indulgence. He told himself this daily, told himself that justice had to be left up to the police, told himself that his calling was limited to the inside of the courtroom, to discovering the truth and nothing more...

And yet each night, the Steel Samurai still roamed the city, wielding his spear against the scum of the earth with no regard for the laws of man.

Only justice.


	8. The Curse

I just _cannot_ seem to decide if this fell totally flat, or if it is hilarious.

Warning for **yaoi humor**, which includes **sexual implications**.

* * *

**Prompt: **Every morning, Edgeworth notices his hands get a little bigger. This spirals out of control when his hands reach giant-like proportions.

He realizes with horror that he cannot stop it.

THE YAOI HANDS.

**The Curse**

It started out small.

Rather, _they_ started out small. Well, normal-sized. Perhaps his fingers were a bit long from the start - his father had called them 'pianist's fingers', though Miles had never actually played an instrument. But recently, those fingers had begun to grow.

The day he and Phoenix consummated their new relationship, Miles felt a sort of... weird twitch in his digits. Right after he'd answered Phoenix's question regarding his bedroom preferences.

"Really Wright, what do you think?" He'd said, and held Phoenix down with splayed fingers so that he could lick his way down his stomach. His fingers had started itching right _then_ - but Phoenix had also started moaning his name and so he'd been understandably distracted.

Ever since then, he'd felt the same itching at odd times of day. It tended to occur whenever was with Phoenix, though especially when involved in certain activities. Still, even on days he and Phoenix didn't even see each other, the itching returned. Usually when he was _thinking_ about Phoenix. Miles did not fail to see the connection.

Worse, he saw what the itching signified. At first it was miniscule, hardly noticeable... But then one day he realized his hand wrapped far more securely around his pen than it ever had before. A few days later, he could easily touch his fingers together when gripping Phoenix's upper arm. When he spread his hand flat over his partner's stomach and used it to pull him closer, the itching went _crazy_ and he could actually _see_ his hands growing.

"What the HELL is that?" Phoenix asked.

Miles yelped and let go. The itching stopped, but his hands didn't shrink. He stared in horror. "I... I don't know."

He went to the hospital that very evening. Phoenix went with him, showing a lot of concern, and when they were alone together in the waiting room Miles had a very brief doctor fantasy. He stopped himself immediately, but too late - his hands had grown another full inch.

They were gargantuan. Still perfectly formed, not painful in the least - but horrendously _huge_, and Doctor Hotti had no idea what to do about them. He had to send Miles away.

Two more days of this, and Miles gave up. He broke up with Phoenix - it seemed the other lawyer was the cause of all this, somehow. Every time he bent Phoenix over something or pulled him along forcefully somewhere or did anything controlling and sexual with him, his hands grew larger.

He could hold Phoenix's entire backside in his palms easily now. He was too terrified to measure the length of his fingers. And lately, he'd been getting the weird feeling that his jaw was lengthening. He just couldn't do this anymore.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I love you, Phoenix, but I can't bear this. These - these awful appendages just won't _stop_ when I'm with you."

But not even that worked - Miles just spent all day thinking about what he was missing, and rate of growth didn't decrease in the slightest. So he and Phoenix had reunion sex that was the most mind-blowing yet and grew his hands another full two inches.

Next they went to Maya for spiritual help. She could fix nothing, but was able to confirm that she recognized the phenomenon. "It's just like all of my yaoi!" she piped brightly. "The semes' hands are always _huge_. I guess I know what position _you_ like, Mr. Edgeworth!"

Miles blanched. "You - you can't mean that... _I_ am the cause?"

She shrugged, and showed them one of her magazines. Miles shuddered in recognition. Also arousal at one of the positions, and his palms grew another quarter-inch.

"_NO_," he cried. "It can't be! There must be some way to stop these - these awful YAOI HANDS!"

Phoenix spoke up, rubbing his hand over his chin thoughtfully. "You know, I just might have an idea..."

-xxx-

After two weeks of bottoming, Miles' hands slowly began to shrink. He was so elated about this at first that he didn't notice the other changes right away. But such ignorant bliss could only last so long.

"Y'know, your eyes are looking really shiny lately, pal," Gumshoe commented one morning. "And am I getting taller or are you just shrinking?"

Miles' eyes grew wide. "No. Oh no."

He tried to think of a solution, but all that seemed to come to mind was letting Phoenix hold him in his strong, comforting arms. And then taking it up the ass while moaning incoherently.

"NO," he shouted, tears coming to his eyes and spilling down over his feminine cheeks. "NOT THE UKE CURSE!"


	9. Speak Now

I loved writing this one. :D

It contains nominal Maya/Miles, but mostly just silliness.

* * *

**Prompt: **Character A bursts into Character B's wedding, shouting "OBJECTION!"

**Speak Now**

The crowds gasped. The Judge almost dropped his gavel -er, Bible (who knew he was a licensed minister?).

Standing at the altar, Miles' eyes widened in horror. For years now he had suspected... but he'd never thought _this_ was how the truth would reveal itself.

Gumshoe, having just burst through the church's front doors, panted heavily for a moment, with his hands on his knees. With a little twinge of guilt, Miles noticed he was wearing his good trenchcoat.

"I'm sorry," he told the detective, reaching out and taking Maya's hand. "But no matter what my favorite colour is, believe me, I am completely str-"

"OBJECTION!" Gumshoe roared again, weeping openly now as he stormed up the aisle towards the altar. The Judge had produced a gavel after all from somewhere, and was banging it furiously, but to no effect.

Soon the over-emotional homicide detective reached his destination. Tears flowing in great rivers down his cheeks, he pointed furiously with his entire arm at - Phoenix Wright?

"Why... why are _you_ the best man and not me?" he wailed.

The chattering guests, most of whom had harbored the same suspicions as Miles Edgeworth, fell silent in surprise. The groom's face turned a lovely magenta to match his tuxedo as he realized his own mistake. The bride, elegantly decked out in gorgeous white acolyte robes, let out an undignified snort.

The best man stared at the finger under his nose in consternation. After a moment, he muttered: "Were you late on purpose for this?"

This comment seemed to break the silence. The guests went back to gossiping wildly. Larry Butz yelled, "I FEEL THE SAME WAY!" before breaking down sobbing himself. The maid of honor made a 'tch' sound and proceeded to whip the weeping detective out of the way. Miles recovered, and snapped that Gumshoe could expect another pay cut for disrupting his wedding.

The pitiful detective stumbled back up the aisle like a very mournful bear. Watching his weepy progress, Miles softened. "Detective Gumshoe," he called. "Would you... like to be the ring-bearer?"

Dick Gumshoe's face lit up like the happy couples' did whenever they watched a new episode of a certain children's cartoon. His tears instantly stopped. "Y-you mean it, sir!? You'd let me do that?"

"Well, it's usually a job for young children..." Miles said acidly. "So it seems a perfect fit to me."

Phoenix tried to hide his laughter as a cough into his fist. Gumshoe seemed to think he was instead trying to stifle a sob, as he laughed heartily and said, "Hahaha, bet you're wishing you weren't the best man now! Too late pal, _I'm_ the perfect fit for the job!"

Beaming, the detective exited the building. After a moment, Maya sent Pearl running after him to actually give him the rings, which he had apparently forgotten. The Judge gave his gavel one final loud **bang!** before tucking it away into his robes once more.

"Now," he humphed, "if there are no further objections..."

Miles smirked. "OBJECTION! Mr. Wright's ill-conduct has caused havoc and completely disrupted this courtr- er, wedding. Your Honor, I demand that he be given a penalty."

"Wh-what!? That wasn't my fault – and, hey, you can't even _give_ penalties in a wedding-"

The Judge banged his gavel again at the same time as Franziska whipped Phoenix and told him to "stop acting like such a foolishly foolish fool, fool!"

"Objection sustained!" The Judge peered sternly down at Phoenix. "Mr. Wright, unless you have some sort of _evidence_ to prove that you were not at fault in this matter, I shall have to assign you a penalty."

Phoenix looked quite ready to whip something out of his pocket and prove his innocence to all and sundry, but Maya stopped him. "Nick! Quit interrupting my wedding! Just take it, already!"

"B-but - you're supposed to be on _my_ side, Maya..." The defense attorney sighed, and hung his head. "Fine. I have no evidence."

And with a clearly well-deserved penalty, the ceremony finally got underway once again.

-xxx-

(Five minutes later, after the exchange of vows.)

The double doors slammed open with a loud crash. Sunlight spilled into the church, illuminating a heroic silhouette in the middle of the doorway.

"HOLD IT," cried Gumshoe, triumphantly hefting a pillow with two rings high into the air. "I've got some important evidence to submit–"


End file.
